Vex!!!

Its really very very difficult to describe how i feel in words.. Basically... I really wonder how i get my life into such a mess... I love him n i really do.. I just can't seem to get him outta my mind... I basically miss him so much that how i wish i can call him often.. I wanna go for a holiday.. take a real deep breath and think of what i really want.. I had changed so much recently.. After changing 3 boyfriends in one year.. I am really very very tired to start another.. When i started with dear.. I really had given up on everything... Everything a woman can basically ask for... I had no plans to leave him until recently.. and i really dun wanna leave him.. things started to take a turn after both of us turn busy.. and i discovered that i started to get panick because of my fear... I guess R had really made a deep impact on me.. When he got busy or i got busy.. i will start to fear.. I will be afraid of him deciding to leave me one day.. He used to think that i will leave him for other guy.. and now its my turn.. when he told me that he dun want me to be with other guys.. i only reply that he is selfish.. and that makes me wonder if he was telling the truth.. if thats the case.. i will really be very very happy... i told him that we had not been spending enough time with each other.. which is always a topic he will remind me cause he cant spend most of his time with me.. I have no mood for my project because i am thinking of him.. i missed his hugs and kisses so much... i miss the way he say i am silly.. I want back the dear who used to love me like a kid.. I hate the dear who look so stress and angry most of the time now.. I am afraid one day i will just blurt out all his promises that he had not fulfilled and force it out of him.. i know i won't.. But one thing for sure.. I am jealous.. very jealous now.. because i miss him... If he is really so great to spot on my feeelings.. He should be able to know that i am jealous and i miss him alot....