Moo~dy..

Honestly... Seriously... had not been in very good mood recently... i had not totally got over him... Though i keep telling myself that i must have the courage to put the feelings down.. But i still missed him alot.. alot alot.. I will think of his smile... his eyes... his smell.. his hugs.. the feel of his clothes and every part of him.... I still think of how tight he used to hug me.. especially that day when he dun wanna let me go... dun wanna let go of me..... he hugged me so tighly that i could not even breathe... And that's the start of everything!!! I thought that i had got over everything... I thought that i am prepared to take a new relationship.. but i knew it.. i knew taht i am still looking for that kinda strong feelings that i had for him... I wanted to love someone again... but how can i love someone the way i love him?? When R hugged me that night.. I cant accept him... i pushed him away.. I cant accept him even when he kissed my forehead... I juz cant... I will think of L.. I will keep thinking of him... Even when i had lost him... I will still have that kinda strong betrayal feeling... Why do i still wanna think of him? I still hurts when i think of the things he told me.. the way he behaved when everything was about to end... I seriously.. honestly hurts alot.. I dun want my frenz to be sad.. I dun want people around me to pity me... Think that i am weak... I showed them the happy face.. even when i maintain such a good relationship with "her".. it hurts me alot.. When i tok to her.. i will think of him.. i am jealous and i hate this petty me... I envy her beautiful face.. and i like her.. i like her character.. Its juz like me... but i cant help to hate her alittle.. I am confused now.. i wonder whether i am prepared to see him... I am seriously not sure now.. I hate this kinda me.. I hate deluding myself... I wanna be free.. Sometimes i juz hope there are someone who can remove my memories.... be it happy or sad... juz remove all my memories with him... i feel that my heart is breaking down... I cant hold on any longer....