Recently

Realize something recently... Adrian (from school) was sms-ing me and he told me something which makes me realized that i had actually forgotten about myself... He said he wanna see me smile like how i used to... I had been trying hard to smile ever since that incident happened... Its tough to pick myself up... Even now i am trying super hard to maintain my lifestyle... go back to how i used to spend my time before everything... Another question taht i faced recently was "whos the right one?" which i practically cant answer at all... I always complained that so and so is not the right one... but when i was being ask that question i really cant answer.... Coz i duno the answer...

I'm not missing you

Here's a new song to share... I love this song alot and here's the lyrics... You can also try to catch this song every night @ 98.7... I luv it at night coz e DJs will definately broadcast this song!

Ooh? I'm not missin' you? (Hmmm)?
Stanza 1
Been through just about everything, That I could go through,
When it comes to relationships.
Don't know what I was missing Or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it.
But here I go, Hurt again. Cause of my curiosity.
Now that it's over, What else could it be, Besides a cheat?
Pre-Chorus
I made a promise never to settle, Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heart break, cryin' and cheatin', The fooling around.
But i'm not missin' you...
Chorus
I'm not going through emotions,
Waiting and a hoping you call me.
I'm not missin' you.
You mighta had me open, But I must be goin' because,
I got lots to do.
I know i'm usually hanging on, I used to hate to see you go.
But this time is different; I don't even feel the distance.
I'm not missin'; i'm not missin' you...
Stanza 2
It's a shame in way, Cause I feel that I may not Ever find the right one for me.
Did I leave him this year, Right n front of my face (oh).
Will my love ever be?
Why would I go, on a search again?
When I know what the end will be.
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
Pre-Chorus
I made a promise never to settle, Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heart break, cryin' and cheatin', The fooling around.
But i'm not missin' you...
Chorus
I'm not going through emotions,
Waiting and a hoping you call me.
I'm not missin' you.
You mighta had me open, But I must be goin' because,
I got lots to do.
I know i'm usually hanging on, I used to hate to see you go.
But this time is different; I don't even feel the distance.
I'm not missin'; i'm not missin' you... (repeat 2x)
Bridge
No, I can't be with you Cause i'm sacred.
Felt like I was falling when you left me.
I can't keep going through life Unaware of what i'm missing Or the person that I could be.
Love's good when it's right.
Bad, when it's left in you memory.
All the times, and anytime.
I guess love would be nice for someone, as this life...
I'm not missin' you...
Chorus
I'm not going through emotions,
Waiting and a hoping you call me.
I'm not missin' you.
You mighta had me open, But I must be goin' because,
I got lots to do.
I know i'm usually hanging on, I used to hate to see you go (i used to hate it).
Different... (don't feel the) distance.
I'm not missin'; i'm not missin' you...
Chorus
I'm not going through emotions,
Waiting and a hoping you call me. (knocking at my door)
You mighta had me open, But I must be goin' because, (this is the best day of my life)
I know i'm usually hanging on, I used to hate to see you go.
Different... (don't feel the) distance.
I'm not missin'; i'm not missin' you......
(Ohhh) I'm not missin' you...
No baby... I'm not missin' you...

My Dreams

Had a dream on saturday night... I dreamt of QS.. In the dream.. She was back on a holiday... Funny enough.. That holiday is actually a few days.. and true enough it is something like her coming Sept holidays... Buahaha... I told her yeterday that I dreamt of her.... I seemed to have miss her too much.. So much that i dreamt of her... Buahaha!!!
Another thing i would like to mention is actually my recent dream.. A target to acheive using the rest of my life span... I always had an impression that i was born to climb the corporate ladder... And its my life acheivement.. But as i aged.. realized something which most women will especially those in a relationship... I am still single.. But i realize that one day i will get hitched and there are so many things to consider.. If i concentrate so much on my career.. And if i climbed up... What are the things that i have to give up..? Opportunity cost.. Will i lose my family instead...? Will i lose my future partner...? That's one thing which i had been thinking.. I am now so young and energized.. I can climb my ladder.... Will that make other people feel distance from me?? I really duno... I have a workaholic nature.. People around me knows that... Other than my mum and dad.. Nothing is as important than my career.. Frenz.. dun get angry when you read this part of the content.. My frenz will always have my support.. And i will always be there... My frenz will beThe equally as important to my work... I know that one thing i have to give up in orer to succeed is my stupidity... Actually.. I am really not thinking of entering another relationship at this point of time... Its more of a hindrance... I am going crazy thinking of increasing amount of money i give to my mum every month.. But i guess there will be no increment for after next year for maybe one or two years... I am also going crazy trying to save money and earn more... Seems like S11 virus had hit me real hard.... Haiz... My dreams...

Not "temper-less"

Discovered that i am not "TEMPER-LESS" after all... i was in the "bad mood" mode this morning and is trying very very hard to control my emotions since yesterday night... Had not been able to give myself some pleasent dreams since a few days ago... And guess what happen this morning.. I seriously wonder izzit becoz of my bad mood or my friend simply misunderstood my words that caused all these anger incurring inside me... My friend was asking whether i will be going for her party next month end or not... And of coz as a fun-loving me will not wanna miss out any of my friend's party.. After i had given her my reply... i said luckily her party was not at the end of Sept (coz i will be out of town).. Wonder did i said the wrong thing and she replied me that her party was at teh end of Aug.. And sent me replying her ya.. its Aug not Sept.. Lucky...
And wonder did i sent the wrong message to her that she replied me something like this... "I juz wanna confirm the numbers.. its ok if you cant make it.. all my good frenz will be there..." Well.. as a rational me i would not wanna rub into this sentence that will cause "fire".. I changed the topic.. The more i think of this the angrier i am.. So since i m not her "good friend" that means.. I am juz a friend to be added into her numbers of people in the party.. so it sets me thinking again... Did i send her the wrong message? Or izzit becoz of my stupid mood that i am easily agitated...?

Sometimes....

Feel like blogging again.. Haiz.. first mistake of today... forgot to attend a briefing at customer site... I forgot that today is 25 July.. I thought its 24th... and i missed the briefing at 2pm... And was asked at around 5pm... suddenly feel like quitting again... This happens everytime i wanna escape from problems... I know that i cant.. thats why i wanna do well in this job... Suddenly dun quite like sales job.. Buahaha... But this job gave me alot of time currently... I hope it will get better.. otherwise.. it will turn out to be like the other colleagues prediction.. I will leave the moment i get my degree.... coz i still feel that i like to do SCM jobs... planning and controlling of inventories.. Some where i can apply my knowledge and what i am good on... But one thing i like about my job is that they pay very good money.... and its very flexi here... but becoz i am a sales person... I realise that sometimes my thinking will clash with my managers.... As a SCM personnel.. My thinking is always on how to do the most thing with the least amount of cost... Some things my managers do just doesn't bring in much profits for the company... and i think that they will spoil the customers with the way they do the things... I still have bout half a year to see how things can be done... Hopefully.. everything turns out fine.. otherwise... i seriously duno wat kinda horrible things will happen...

W-H-Y

Something came across my mind n i decided 2 blog about it.. i discovered that there are quite a number of people who said that they dun wanna fall in love again after being hurt badly by an ill fated relationship... First question i asked myself is.. Why are people shutting themself out from something which who knows they might enjoy in future??? Well its not that i can accept someone else now... Juz that i wont stop myself from falling in love again.... I know its painful and hard to build up the trust.. But that doesnt mean that we have to shut ourselves up after being hurt...dats ridiculous... I admit that i cant fall in love now coz i had not got over the feelings i had for S.. and at the same time i m giving K a chance.. I am also giving myself a chance...
Another thing i wanna blog today is regarding my saturday.. Oh my gosh! he gave me a bouquet of flowers! Its the second time i receive flowers and finally got the right bouquet... but not from the right person.... Though the things he had done that particular day can be quite touching for a gal to judge a guy.. But... the normal hard hearted me juz dun feel anything..

Bye QS

QS left for Aussie yesterday again.. haiz... I really hate to see her leave everytime.. Actually only for the second time.. First time she left i told myself she will be back i shall not cry... and i realised how much i missed her during that few months before she return or her vacation... Yesterday.. honestly i cried.. after seeing her mum cried.. suddenly i remembered our conversation that saturday night during dinner... She said she really dun bear to leave this time... coz she really missed her family and friends.. and how helpless she felt when i sent her an email telling her how tormented i was over that breakoff and begging her to return.. She just felt that she cant be there for us when we needed her the most... I cried.. because i was afraid that when she return during september i will be flying or worse.. not in Spore... We did not spend alot of time together coz she was so busy with alot of friends and most importantly her family... She hugged me and asked me not to do the wrong thing again.... I knew that i was not a very sensible person.. That's why she can be quite worried bout me... This morning when i wake up... I missed QS again... But i know she willbe back.. and i will not allow any tears to roll down my cheeks coz she will be back....

No longer...

I no longer hope to find a person i love... I no longer hope to own an exciting love life... I no longer hope to get anything...
I wish for a a person who will love me the way i love him... I wish for a simple love life with only simplicity... I wish for my wishes to come true...
As me the difference.. when you hope you know you will get it.. which is just a matter of time.. when you wish... you might not get it... but at least you wish for one....
Absolute rubbish.... By Rubbish cow...

For the first time...

Buahaha.. today is the first time i ever met a customer... Went to cust fab and met her.. but most of the time Adrian is the one doing the talking... lucky... Think my way of talking is to straight forward.. gotta pick up the way to dig info fast.. Not a trained sales yet.. so no choice.. Thomas commented that my make up today is nice.. Hahaha!! though its a bit thick.. but its better dan nothing la.. Ethyl had been kaypoing when i was putting on my make up.. but its ok la.. she everytime do it... nothing much special... Adrian and i were talking bout songs when we were on or way to and from customer fab... Hahaha!! he got the song i like!!! He let me listened to this song "Green day"(duno whether i got the title right or not).. Its talking bout a break up... Its like saying its all over... So just let it go.. And i replied that its usually this period that hurts alot... Honestly it still hurts me alot.. though it had been a month.. Everything seems like yesterday.. I dun wanna numb myself with something... Sometimes, people will advise that a new relationship will do me good... Its not like nobody is after me now.. There are a few... but i am just not sure whether i am prepared or not.. I dun want to treat the person as a replacement...

Moo~day

Haiz.. Its the first day of the week and guess what did i ask myself the first thing i wake up this morning??? WHY DID I DREAM OF HIM?????!!!!!!!!!!! Oh gosh! in the dream.. he was talking to me in the kinda eyes which he used to see me with... I can feel his touch.. It was so gentle... Oh my.. Oh my... What am i thinking...??? I remembered wat QS told me over dinner on saturday... Maybe i had forced myself too much.. And its not good coz pulling a string too hard will break it... Argh!!! I wanna get him off my mind... I dun wanna think of him... I wanna get on with my life and get it simple...
Forget about the unhappy things... say something bright.. I got myself a printer yesterday... hehe... i think i am gonna get myself a Canon digi cam in future also.. haiz.. gotta wait... but at least with this printer i can print my project and get it done...

Updates

Hmm.. Seems like i had not been updating the blog.. ok.. let meadd in some spices which had happened recently.. Went to the zoo on saturday.. woah... like wat QY had mentioned in her blog.. I think we are not welcome to go to the zoo anymore.. Think most probably will be thrown out by the keepers... Heres wat we had done.. As all frenz should noe taht i have such talent in renaming everything in that instant.. Guess wat had i done that day.. I named the white tigers "xiao bai".. The green snakes "xiao qing".. A baboon "zhang lao".. We even discussed whether the fish taste nicer by which cooking method (steam or fry)... buahaha... how fat we will get if we eat the hippo... Trying our bez 2 wake the animals which are asleep.. But one thing i never say out is that i had renamed the kangaroos "kangie"... Jealous of my talent?? Buahaha... And!! i finally took a pic wif my cow!!! The cows were at first sleeping but i tred to wake them up and talk to me... Well... I wonder izzit my cow language works.. Its does make a lil wonders.. One of the moo actually walk out from the shelter and let me take pic wif it.. hahaha!!! MOO~

Moo~dy..

Honestly... Seriously... had not been in very good mood recently... i had not totally got over him... Though i keep telling myself that i must have the courage to put the feelings down.. But i still missed him alot.. alot alot.. I will think of his smile... his eyes... his smell.. his hugs.. the feel of his clothes and every part of him.... I still think of how tight he used to hug me.. especially that day when he dun wanna let me go... dun wanna let go of me..... he hugged me so tighly that i could not even breathe... And that's the start of everything!!! I thought that i had got over everything... I thought that i am prepared to take a new relationship.. but i knew it.. i knew taht i am still looking for that kinda strong feelings that i had for him... I wanted to love someone again... but how can i love someone the way i love him?? When R hugged me that night.. I cant accept him... i pushed him away.. I cant accept him even when he kissed my forehead... I juz cant... I will think of L.. I will keep thinking of him... Even when i had lost him... I will still have that kinda strong betrayal feeling... Why do i still wanna think of him? I still hurts when i think of the things he told me.. the way he behaved when everything was about to end... I seriously.. honestly hurts alot.. I dun want my frenz to be sad.. I dun want people around me to pity me... Think that i am weak... I showed them the happy face.. even when i maintain such a good relationship with "her".. it hurts me alot.. When i tok to her.. i will think of him.. i am jealous and i hate this petty me... I envy her beautiful face.. and i like her.. i like her character.. Its juz like me... but i cant help to hate her alittle.. I am confused now.. i wonder whether i am prepared to see him... I am seriously not sure now.. I hate this kinda me.. I hate deluding myself... I wanna be free.. Sometimes i juz hope there are someone who can remove my memories.... be it happy or sad... juz remove all my memories with him... i feel that my heart is breaking down... I cant hold on any longer....

Faithful? Unfaithful?

Suddenly i was thinking of the conversation i had with R on sat night... He was asking when did i start my relationship with that guy and when did we start that... Buahaha.. i guess nobody will be as honest as me.. cos i told him we started during Dec last year... And this sent him asking, "So you were unfaithful to me??" I just simply nodded my head.. He did mentioned that when he was with me he was faithful throughout the whole relation ship... Duno why we went into the marriage topic... He told me that if he got married he will be very very faithful.. Becoz that will be the gal he wanna to live forever.. Another forever.. Guys always tok about forever and they never keep their words... My thinking of marriage is to use money to buy eternity...
His reason for not cuming to look for me during that day was because he was afraid that he will blame himself... I could not really believe in him... Or should i say i dun trust easily now.. He kept bringing me to the past and i just simply shut him by saying i had forgot... I dun wanna go back to the past anymore.. i wanna look forward and be myself again....

Picnic

Buahaha.. went picnic yesterday with the gals.. dat was fun but tiring... Went cycling around and came across this family carnival by Dairy Farm and as a group of greedy gals.. We went to get some Coke Lime and ice cream.. Buahaha.. I used to be so accident prone when i cycle.. But after so many years of rest.. I think i can cycle even better than before!!! Wierd... I think so too... Had not get the pictures ready yet.. Will post it up once done... But what really made me real mad yesterday was my mum... Haiz.. She actually helped me iron (not all) my clothes and pack it into the wardrobe.. I had begged her so many times not to touch my clothes but she just simply dun listen.. Told her that if she wanna iron my clothes just put it on my bed once done.. I was so tired yesterday and i had to unhang all the clothes and hang them back again... Mind me.. My mum doesn't touch my wardrobe since young.. thus she duno how actually i arranged our clothes... nevermind.. My bodyis aching now.. My head is so heavy and i feel like sleeping... Did not get enough sleep this weekend again.. haiz.... ONE happy new!!! my gal QS is back for holiday!!!! hahaha...

To chose or be chosen

Having a dilemma recently.. I was wondering if I missed this time round, do I have to wait for a few more years for another round to appear. I had always believe that there is always a period of time when a lot of guys will appear in my life at the same moment.. Had been having this period of time for one year… A lot of guys appeared in this year and gave me a lot of troubles in choosing… In the end, all those that I had chose and fell for had left scars in my life and are making my life real difficult… It’s like what I had told J, we experienced more than other people and were able to see more than what others had thought… This time round, I am not sure whether I should persist on the one I am going after or to accept those after me… I am afraid of making mistake again… I dun wanna waste my time anymore…

Rival

Haha... called a friend today to confirm something.. When she picked up the phone.. I said i wanna speak to my "qing di" (rival)... She got a shocked and asked me to repeat.. Asked me why i said that i said she was my Carrot's lover ma.. that's why she is my rival... haha... Well she thought was something else... Actually i had long placed that as history and carried on with my life... so full of hopes recently... life filled with friends and family... Especially my studies had already became sucha pressure that its really making me worried... Sometimes i really wondered whether i had made thet right decision to study and work at the same time.,.. Let both fly at the same time.. Its really very difficult to handle two at the same time.. But come to think of it... Maybe a guy can do it cause they just simply love to two-timw girls... Hahaha..

My saturdays

Hahaha.... Let me start at my first saturday after the breakup.. Which was last last week.. That was meant to be a celebration for me.. i told Bec bout him and she was quite worried at my situation.. We had been seeing each other every week and Bec thinks that i really slim down alot in one week... Ya.. precisely.. bout 1KG.. Which makes me 47KG... Its ok.. I had my dinner wif em at fisherman village and we drove to Mt Faber.. QY slept her way there coz i lost my way... Drive until i wanna sleep.... Lucky Bec was there to talk to me and wake me up.. I wasn't in very good mood and the drive made me feel better.. Ok.. Last Sat i met QY and Bec again... Hahahaha!!!! I cheated QY to my house after she accompany me to Causeway point.. Coz I was so tired in the middle of our shoppng session.. and i begged her to go home with me to let me sleep.. As daddy was at home.. i borrowed his car and went out.. We called Bec again and drove her out to JP for dinner and then... to Jurong Hill.. Hahaha.. Seems like i like to climb hills every saturdays...I was thinking of C0zy Bay this week if daddy is at home... Bec and Me!! Look at the lights behind us.. The three of us... Not much lights at the back..

Green Green Grass

Dun ask me why i used this title for this post.. i also duno... To my dear friends and family who are reading this post now.. I like to thank all of you for the support you had given me from last tuesday to sunday.. I can now proudly say that.. I had let it go... I had let go of my feelings for him and had decided to move on.... He had betrayed his relationship with A when he was with me.. and he had betrayed his relationship with me and A when he was with B.. he still treated me very good till the very last day we met.. I believe we will sure meet again.. but i will not carry anymore feelings for him.. I admit that i sticked to him was because that i was really very tired to start a new realtioship and get to know a new person.. In short i had been avoiding my own happiness.. I had decided to move on and get to know a new relationship.. marriage is still outta topic to me unless someone can really convince me... I will love him like a brother now.. I really will.... My new boss is currently scheduling me for an Austria trip... Wil be going there for training for duno how long... Only thing that i am worried was my exam.. wat if it clash? wat bout my proj?

Utterly disappointed...

Ask me why am i so lucky to get this kinda shit all the time...? It really hurts alot... so much that i had to face the fact... Felt so cruel to myself... forcing me to face everything and push out my feelings... Life still have to goes on... I have to recover... Though i am emotionally drained.. I will look for someone.. a someone better.. and i know i can do it.. coz i am strong.. no more weakling me...

History.Gift.Future

Yesterday is history... Today is a gift... Tomorrow is future... My 2nd sis got married yesterday.. sooo... sad.... Had been quite down since last week... Coz sis getting married equals nobody for me to bully at home... Now the youngest me.. is the only daughter left... People were all saying that thats the best coz my parents will love me more.. but then.. i felt lonely.. Having to sleep with that crazy sister in the same room for 16 years... lived in the same house for 21 years.. Quite sad to part with her actually... The house will definately be quieter now.. coz i am seldom at home also.. Felt like crying during her 2 march ins yesterday in he restaurant.. but cant cry.. coz i am the emcee... haiz.. Dear mentioned that i had suddenly became pessimistic.. Maybe because i felt the same loneliness few years ago when she found a boyfriend... Because i am so close to her i am jealous and suddenly felt lonely... Well.. I am happy that she found her happiness... Optimistic point of view.. I shall start to fight in my career.. I am not the 'home-builder' kinda girl who will wanna be kept in a box... but i dun wanna lose dear also.. He knew that i hate marriage... and is quite pessimistics towards marriage life.. That's why we are quite happy with our current situation...
Today's gift is not really that fantastic... at least i gotta sleep more than yesterday... I was just imagining what if dear call me yesterday and what if i complained to him that i dun hav enough sleep becoz i was watching VCDs the whole night? He will definately scold me.. But i really miss him alot alot.. When will his mood turn good? I really miss that kinda cheeky naughty smile he used to gave me and the gentle look that reflected from his eyes... i wanna hug him to sleep again....
I duno what my future will be like.. My wish is to build my career and own a car in a few years time.. NO MARRIAGE for me!! The simplest equation for marriage is to have a partner till the day you die... Well.. you can also have one.. even without the cert which you need to pay and get it.. Thats my point of view.. I was once so touched and wanna to agree to marry R when he called me that night... But i as knocked to my sense after our breakup..... Dear and i had promised forever.. and the basic thing that can still keep us together is trust and how we cherish the limited amount of time we are able to spend together.... I had always been optimistic regarding this matter...