learn!N...

The more i think of you the more i dun bear to let go... the more i dun bear to let go... the more pressurizing we are... We had never promised the moon or stars.... neither had we wanted to care about the future... all we wanted is the short term happiness we are experiencing everytime we talk on the phone... evertime we see each other... every moment that we both share.... u wanted me to find a good guy.... and i can leave you happily.... You wanna be the only naughty in me... We procrastinated all conversations about elle and my family.... I dun mind being branded promiscuious... I only wanted a world of me and you..... You dun want me to fall out with my family... You dun want me to get stressed out by this relationship... And I had finally agreed to freedom... nodded my head and let you fly.....

Sometimes i selfishly think that how good it will be if the world can accept in everything one does or one had did with a huge heart... knowing a person by who he/she is, without caring who he/she is with.... I am with you... and its me who is with you.... I dun care bout your appearance... your ego... i juz block out everything that will hurt the relationship... Finally... I realise what is to like someone with the heart.... Finally... i am able to cry becoz of a relationship... Finally.... I am learning to let go of someone i really like alot alot.... Finally.... I learn to hide my sadness beneath my pillows, with the tears whole night.... You guys once told me that i had not really liked someone when i said that i wont sob over a relationship.... Now i learn to handle a rocky, tough relationship for months... Keeping every sweetest moment and plans we had drawn.... I no longer had the bitter sweet and sour feeling anymore.... Becoz i am not entitled to it anymore.... I can no longer feel every touch and kiss you shower anymore... I am learning to be your friend once again... I am learning to smile again.... I am learning to cry again.... I am learning not to miss you again... I am learning to accept.... I am learning to forget.... I am learning to stop the tears.... I am learning to stop saying "I luv you" and "I miz you".....

I am strong... and i will be strong..... I will learn to be even stronger without you....

I was told that i am selfish, insensible and silly when this relationship surfaced... I was warned by my frenz when i get to know him.... I rejected every possibility my frenz had brought up between me and him.... And when I met him... I admitted i like him... expressed my interest in him (to my frenz of coz).... and when he wanted me to be his gal... I juz simply accepted it outta fun... i didnt know bout elle... When i knew it it was months after we were together... It was an agreed no strings relationship... And finally we attached strings to it when he expressed his feelings to me several times before i accepted him... And finally i was his gf... I like him alot alot.... I dun want the relationship to surface... But i cant take it anymore... I confess and had a talk with the closest around me... news leaked to my family... and they said that i had changed... DO you think that being branded is very nice?? I accepted it... as its a fact... Now everything had concluded..... I wanna hide.... Hide from everything... Hide from the fact.... Hide from my pain... But this is a real world... Its reality that i had to agree with...

Too free??

Haha... Not sure whether i am too free these few days or i cant take my boss's untidiness.. Had been helping him pack his table... Just now help him wipe his table coz really cant bear with the dirtiness (actually dun wanna wipe for him previously coz gonna renovate liao).... Still thinking of some ways to get rid of the few cans of coke... Hmm.... since new year... cant find the expiry date... Should i put it in the fridge and let people enjoy??? Ever since i was told that my table was very messy i had been cleaning it everyday... Think now is considered quite clean ba... coz i had so many documents... How to keep it very neat? Really enjoy working here... Colleagues are all fun and good... Thinking back i still wanna quit... lucky i stayed on... hehehe..... So excited also... Going to Mount Faber to chill out with the company... free flow of drinks... ahahha... Mummy never asked me who i gonna drink with... guess i dun have to tell her also... Had already told her i went drinking... Cant wait for tomorrow to arrive!! hehe...

What shall i ask for??

Alot of people say that i am silly i am stupid... tired of hearing all thee because i do agree with them... I think i am facing some possesive problems here... I felt that i am getting more possesive and deep into what i hope not... Well... reality and thinkings always have a difference here... who dun agree? hahha... Sometimes I really hope to own someone... but how long can you grab on to him?? hehehe... Thats what i had been telling myself... Actually afraid of losing him had become part of me... But i know that if one day i leave hium.. at least i was happy before... ahaha... Alot of things are complicated and difficult to explain... It is not that i am not growing... this is my growing process... I had already grown uup... stop asking me to grow up anymore... i am growing every second... (tick tock tick tock) Nobody can stop me from seeing him... I was heart-brokened when we quarrelled that day... Well... I guess at least i know he do care... But what he really care... This is between the both of us... I dun wanna presurrize him... neither do i wanna take any more pressure.... We can just be a "hush hush" couple... hehehe... Some times i am really touched by his sudden messages or call.... He will then say something i will be really shocked.... A kinda bitter sweet and strange feeling will grow in me... how to explain it..? Well i duno...

Truely... Thanx....

I know i am stubborn... not really selfish... Lian's words had always been harsh... Its her... and everyone knows about it... Remember there was once in school she totally wreck my pride and i cried all the way home... Even hoon lent me her shoulders.... She meant her good will... and i truely thank her.... Just let me be stubborn one more time... I maybe abit selfish... but not to the extend of creating troubles from my selfishness... These are not excuses... When i am still so hard hearted to my ex boyfriends... All my friends said that i had not truely fell for someone yet.. But now... Its real... I really like that person alot... and i tried to leave before(this is not excuse lian..) but i cant.. I cant bring myself to go... I am very silly i know... Very stupid also... In the end i will still hurt myself... Shi.. i wont cry in the middle of the night myself.. i will call you up and bother you the whole night... hahahha.... What goes around comes around.. I will accept all the outcome... But now really feel like going on a holiday... If possible better go on a trip near xmas.... if not i will try to organise one somewhere near.... Hoony told me she don't want me to be so dumb... she don't want me to get hurt like her... I love her and i love myself and my family... so even when i am hurt i wont do anything silly... Than frenz!!