This kinda feeling~

I am angry!!!! Can't you see that? Don't you feel that? This is what i wanna tell you... but i can't bring myself to say it because i really don't know how to do it.... yesh! i had been very very patient with myself.. there are so many things i can't bring myself to ask it... ok... lets forget bout the things i can't ask... I am so tired of it.. i need a break.. cool myself down... think of what i really want... I don't wanna be the one who is always thinking of what's going on... it will reflect very bad on my mood...

Patience~

Patience is a word which you can never use on me.. because mine is limited... But one thing good.. is.. i noticed i had changed... Not only i had patiently deal with people these few months.. i had impressed myself by my waiting... And now.. i can say.. i am super tired of my patience...!!

How many years?

Had a very long chat with Joanna just now.. It had been such a long time since we last had a long chat at night.. We chatted on one topic which i think most females of our age will touch on... It is how many more years can we afford to spend hanging no where... She had always prepared to get married to her boyfriend.. one thing which i always envy.. She is quite settled down.. just that sometimes she is a little fickle minded when a new guy comes along.. but she will eventually chose her boyfriend.. My dear friend there.. i am waiting for you to get married and settle down so that you can stop thinking of who to chose.. buahaha!! At least she have a choice.. but for me?? Haha!! still hanging no where... I told her.. If i ever accept Jason.. then i will be after only his money... She asked me to nurture the love using time... but i really have no chemistry with Jason.. so why not instead of wasting both our time i shall carry on with my carefree life?? i had waste a total of 5 years waiting for a so called "right" guy.. how many 5 years do i have?? I really don't know..

Behind these hazel eyes...

I was seaching for the sound track of dreamgirls when i came across a song that is so familiar to my past... Behind these hazel eyes:

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Busy...

Hmm... sometimes i really wonder what is happening... being the youngest in the family.. i got the most attention from my parents now since my sisters are married... the lazy me dun like to do housework especially ironing... i will only iron my clothes once every few months.. or whenever i wanna wear it.. i don't know is it because mummy had us trained since young to be independent and act like a maid sometimes.. now.. after mummy stopped working in order to look after ethyl.. she will clean the floor every day by sweeping it.. and i will only vacuum and mop it during weekends... because my clothes are all piled up so high.. mummy ironed it for me yesterday... i hate it whenever she ironed it during week days.. because i was too tired to clear it after work.. i just wanna slack at home... my sisters will only blame me for all the grumbling.. now one question that you will raise.. why wouldn't mummy hang it up? because i told her millions of times not to do it... so.. make sure you understand your child'd habit or don't let your child do this kinda chores since she's young.. because.. i had been taking care of my own wardrobe since at such young age that my mum don't even know how i seperate my clothes... she will only mess up my wardrobe... the current thing that she will mess up are my undies... She didn't know how i arrange it and by throwing everything into my drawer means it will mess up my drawer.. so the main reason why i was so frustrated most of the time when i open my wardobe i think you should know why...

This is always a reason why my sisters won't understand why i always don't appreciate my mum when she help me with my chores... coz most of the time after she touched my things.. i have to arrange it again to suit my personal preference... which is what we call habit... one reason they never understand why i dislike travelling with the family is the word independence... they were attached at a young age and married at my age... the only reason i can come out with is their emotional attached to their husband had made them not able to understand me... i travelled with my aunties at a young age with alot of restrictions.. until i went overseas with my friends.. i enjoyed so much things and freedom which i didn't when i was young! and during my trip to Austria.. it wasn't a lonely one.. it was a quiet and enjoyable one! sometimes my sisters will say that they don't understand why i enjoy clubbing or hanging out till late so much... reason being.. i am bored... because i did not enjoy so much freedom when i was studying.. i am not emotionally attached like them... guess what they will never understand is the life of a young single.. Having all the friends and being bored at the same time.. when ever they are bored.. they can just look for their husband or boyfriend at that time.. did they ever experience the kind of feelings when you are alone at home not knowing who to call or what to do?? I have it since i was young.. I forgot how many years.. that is why i would rather go out alone and do some thinking while window shopping.. And that is also the reason why i can swim alone or sometimes even enjoy loneliness...

Idiot!!!!!!

Argh!!!!! Super tired... slept at 1 this morning.. coz i went for a movie which starts at 10.. Can't blame anyone... coz its my fault.. buahaha... 咎由自取.. coz i agreed to watch it... buahaha.. went to watch "The pursuit of happiness" coz cant get any tix for "300" or "Primeval".. Haiz... Ok.. nothing mch about the movie.. a normal movie which is quite inspiring and a little touching.. Sometimes i think watching such kinda show instead of any exciting, thrilling one can allow someone to think through alot of things... The show is not bad in whole... but this idiot.. sitting behind me is soooooo HORRIBLE!! he kicked my chair throughout the whole show.. in case you think that the space was too small for him to put his leg.. let me give a description of it... i watched it at Vivo.. coz its spacious and comfy for anyone including the long legs.. ok.. about the man who kicked my chair.. he is NOT TALL!!!!! approx. 170cm... He kicked my chair for so many times that i almost turned and scolded him in the middle of the show.. but i did not do it coz i dont wanna spoil the mood of the person accompanying me to the show... so i bear with it.. until some where in the middle of the show.. my partner asked me is it becoz somebody kicked me that made me so frustrated... and my answer is.. yes.. the asshole behind me is kicking me... i think i was loud enough for him to hear me.. but he did not stop! bloody hell... that's why at the end of the show i turned and stare at him and even when we left the cinema.. he was just beside me.. and i turned and stared at him.. I knew that he was walking behind me while we were outside the theatre.. and i purposely told my partner that there is this horrible idiot behind me kicking me thoughout the whole show... damn.. was cursing him... buahaha!! Guess he was embarrassed enough for me to stare at him most of the time after the show.. though i may not have the deadly stare which my 大姐 is famous at... but anyone around me can sense my temper.... buahaha...

hey long legs! if you guys ever watch any movie.. please sit at the front seat if your legs are too long!

I miss you...

I miss you~

Saw a kid ridding a bicycle yesterday... It reminds me so much of you... It seems like yesterday you were beside me.. teaching me how to ride a bicycle... The memories we shared were so limited.. Some times i can't help thinking if you are still around.. Who will i be now? I am a spoiled brat.. If you are still around.. I maybe a notorious spoiled brat... Maybe i will get all i want or anything i desired... I may not be as understanding and matured... My temper may not had changed... I may still be as rude to you... I can't help thinking.. If i did not speak to you that rudely that afternoon.. If i would call you 3 times a week.. If i talk to you more... spent more times with you.. took more photos with you... I had lost the last present you had bought for me... Mummy had thrown away all the teddy bears you had bought for me.. The only thing i have with me now is the photo which i had took with you when i was 4... This year.. is the 13th year without you.. Maybe if you are still around.. she may not be who she is now.. she need not have to live in loneliness and shut herself from her family.. I had been rude to her.. because i was so worried about her and her stubborness had made me angry... I know that i can't spend alot of time with her.. i had been using busy as an excuse...

I can still remember how tired i was during the 3 days funeral...how my dad got so angry with your family... I admit that sometimes.. i can hardly recall how you look like... i still miss you alot.. you like to bring me out for breakfast every sunday morning.. I had been going on a long term diet since my relative said i was fat 3 years ago... Can you see that i am a grown up now? Will you ever see me in heaven? I don't even see you in my dreams.. Can you see my performances on stage? I had learnt how to ride a bicycle 1 year after you left... I am still as clumsy.. i can't stop falling from the bicycle and even lost my way at Pulau Ubin... Do you know that the stubborn me had almost caused me to lose my family? I can't forget the accident... I wanna know what happen.. I was too young at that time.. I still remember that evening when i was preparing for dinner... If you are still around.. I know you will be proud to see i am now... If one can ever turn back time.. I will not allow you to go to work that day... I will spend more time talking to you.. play with you.. I miss you~