Moo~dy..

Honestly... Seriously... had not been in very good mood recently... i had not totally got over him... Though i keep telling myself that i must have the courage to put the feelings down.. But i still missed him alot.. alot alot.. I will think of his smile... his eyes... his smell.. his hugs.. the feel of his clothes and every part of him.... I still think of how tight he used to hug me.. especially that day when he dun wanna let me go... dun wanna let go of me..... he hugged me so tighly that i could not even breathe... And that's the start of everything!!! I thought that i had got over everything... I thought that i am prepared to take a new relationship.. but i knew it.. i knew taht i am still looking for that kinda strong feelings that i had for him... I wanted to love someone again... but how can i love someone the way i love him?? When R hugged me that night.. I cant accept him... i pushed him away.. I cant accept him even when he kissed my forehead... I juz cant... I will think of L.. I will keep thinking of him... Even when i had lost him... I will still have that kinda strong betrayal feeling... Why do i still wanna think of him? I still hurts when i think of the things he told me.. the way he behaved when everything was about to end... I seriously.. honestly hurts alot.. I dun want my frenz to be sad.. I dun want people around me to pity me... Think that i am weak... I showed them the happy face.. even when i maintain such a good relationship with "her".. it hurts me alot.. When i tok to her.. i will think of him.. i am jealous and i hate this petty me... I envy her beautiful face.. and i like her.. i like her character.. Its juz like me... but i cant help to hate her alittle.. I am confused now.. i wonder whether i am prepared to see him... I am seriously not sure now.. I hate this kinda me.. I hate deluding myself... I wanna be free.. Sometimes i juz hope there are someone who can remove my memories.... be it happy or sad... juz remove all my memories with him... i feel that my heart is breaking down... I cant hold on any longer....

Faithful? Unfaithful?

Suddenly i was thinking of the conversation i had with R on sat night... He was asking when did i start my relationship with that guy and when did we start that... Buahaha.. i guess nobody will be as honest as me.. cos i told him we started during Dec last year... And this sent him asking, "So you were unfaithful to me??" I just simply nodded my head.. He did mentioned that when he was with me he was faithful throughout the whole relation ship... Duno why we went into the marriage topic... He told me that if he got married he will be very very faithful.. Becoz that will be the gal he wanna to live forever.. Another forever.. Guys always tok about forever and they never keep their words... My thinking of marriage is to use money to buy eternity...
His reason for not cuming to look for me during that day was because he was afraid that he will blame himself... I could not really believe in him... Or should i say i dun trust easily now.. He kept bringing me to the past and i just simply shut him by saying i had forgot... I dun wanna go back to the past anymore.. i wanna look forward and be myself again....

Picnic

Buahaha.. went picnic yesterday with the gals.. dat was fun but tiring... Went cycling around and came across this family carnival by Dairy Farm and as a group of greedy gals.. We went to get some Coke Lime and ice cream.. Buahaha.. I used to be so accident prone when i cycle.. But after so many years of rest.. I think i can cycle even better than before!!! Wierd... I think so too... Had not get the pictures ready yet.. Will post it up once done... But what really made me real mad yesterday was my mum... Haiz.. She actually helped me iron (not all) my clothes and pack it into the wardrobe.. I had begged her so many times not to touch my clothes but she just simply dun listen.. Told her that if she wanna iron my clothes just put it on my bed once done.. I was so tired yesterday and i had to unhang all the clothes and hang them back again... Mind me.. My mum doesn't touch my wardrobe since young.. thus she duno how actually i arranged our clothes... nevermind.. My bodyis aching now.. My head is so heavy and i feel like sleeping... Did not get enough sleep this weekend again.. haiz.... ONE happy new!!! my gal QS is back for holiday!!!! hahaha...

To chose or be chosen

Having a dilemma recently.. I was wondering if I missed this time round, do I have to wait for a few more years for another round to appear. I had always believe that there is always a period of time when a lot of guys will appear in my life at the same moment.. Had been having this period of time for one year… A lot of guys appeared in this year and gave me a lot of troubles in choosing… In the end, all those that I had chose and fell for had left scars in my life and are making my life real difficult… It’s like what I had told J, we experienced more than other people and were able to see more than what others had thought… This time round, I am not sure whether I should persist on the one I am going after or to accept those after me… I am afraid of making mistake again… I dun wanna waste my time anymore…

Rival

Haha... called a friend today to confirm something.. When she picked up the phone.. I said i wanna speak to my "qing di" (rival)... She got a shocked and asked me to repeat.. Asked me why i said that i said she was my Carrot's lover ma.. that's why she is my rival... haha... Well she thought was something else... Actually i had long placed that as history and carried on with my life... so full of hopes recently... life filled with friends and family... Especially my studies had already became sucha pressure that its really making me worried... Sometimes i really wondered whether i had made thet right decision to study and work at the same time.,.. Let both fly at the same time.. Its really very difficult to handle two at the same time.. But come to think of it... Maybe a guy can do it cause they just simply love to two-timw girls... Hahaha..

My saturdays

Hahaha.... Let me start at my first saturday after the breakup.. Which was last last week.. That was meant to be a celebration for me.. i told Bec bout him and she was quite worried at my situation.. We had been seeing each other every week and Bec thinks that i really slim down alot in one week... Ya.. precisely.. bout 1KG.. Which makes me 47KG... Its ok.. I had my dinner wif em at fisherman village and we drove to Mt Faber.. QY slept her way there coz i lost my way... Drive until i wanna sleep.... Lucky Bec was there to talk to me and wake me up.. I wasn't in very good mood and the drive made me feel better.. Ok.. Last Sat i met QY and Bec again... Hahahaha!!!! I cheated QY to my house after she accompany me to Causeway point.. Coz I was so tired in the middle of our shoppng session.. and i begged her to go home with me to let me sleep.. As daddy was at home.. i borrowed his car and went out.. We called Bec again and drove her out to JP for dinner and then... to Jurong Hill.. Hahaha.. Seems like i like to climb hills every saturdays...I was thinking of C0zy Bay this week if daddy is at home... Bec and Me!! Look at the lights behind us.. The three of us... Not much lights at the back..

Green Green Grass

Dun ask me why i used this title for this post.. i also duno... To my dear friends and family who are reading this post now.. I like to thank all of you for the support you had given me from last tuesday to sunday.. I can now proudly say that.. I had let it go... I had let go of my feelings for him and had decided to move on.... He had betrayed his relationship with A when he was with me.. and he had betrayed his relationship with me and A when he was with B.. he still treated me very good till the very last day we met.. I believe we will sure meet again.. but i will not carry anymore feelings for him.. I admit that i sticked to him was because that i was really very tired to start a new realtioship and get to know a new person.. In short i had been avoiding my own happiness.. I had decided to move on and get to know a new relationship.. marriage is still outta topic to me unless someone can really convince me... I will love him like a brother now.. I really will.... My new boss is currently scheduling me for an Austria trip... Wil be going there for training for duno how long... Only thing that i am worried was my exam.. wat if it clash? wat bout my proj?

Utterly disappointed...

Ask me why am i so lucky to get this kinda shit all the time...? It really hurts alot... so much that i had to face the fact... Felt so cruel to myself... forcing me to face everything and push out my feelings... Life still have to goes on... I have to recover... Though i am emotionally drained.. I will look for someone.. a someone better.. and i know i can do it.. coz i am strong.. no more weakling me...